Monthly Archives: March 2016

Have Kids, Will…Buy Spanx

Everyone has heard of them.  Many women have worn them.  I finally got around to buying them.  Not the knock-off brand at Target, mind you, the real deal.  At first, I tried the generic brand.  They may even be made by the geniuses at Spanx specifically for cheapskates like me, but when I tugged on the real ones…oh, mama!  There was NO comparison.

For those of us who are over 40, have had multiple children, and/or like to eat more than we like to exercise, the lower half of our bodies tend to put these things on display.  After trying to “slip on” a really pretty dress for my brother’s wedding, I realized I needed some (ahem) support for all that wayward bulge.  When I went for help, I went for the big guns.  Thank you, Nordstrom!

The sales lady who helped me was extremely kind.  She humored me when I cracked jokes about sausage casings and Barbie-size undergarments.  I was obviously new at this and awkwardly so.  I’m pretty sure my thighs looked at each other and laughed, Who does she think she’s squeezing into those?  But on they went…flesh stuffed and crammed, belly flab smooshed, wrinkled, pinched, and finally, suffocated.  But the heavens opened when I finally managed to pull those bad boys on.  This ain’t your grandma’s girdle, but now I know why she wore one.  Everything was so smooth!  There was even an opening in the crotch so I wouldn’t have to go through that wrestling match every time I had to pee.  Hooray!!!

I’ve read some really hardcore criticisms of Spanx, written by well-meaning feminist champions who see these undergarments as articles of torture designed to keep us forever in the mind that we aren’t good enough as we are, whether in the eyes of a repressive patriarchy or by other women who subscribe to self-loathing by doing anything and everything to “fix” our feminine “problems”.  While I respect the intentions of these women and applaud them for their desire to help other women fight such destructive criticism, I REALLY like the way these tight panty-shorts make me look and feel in a slightly fitted dress!  Also, since they don’t come in packs of three for $7.99, I’m pretty sure I will get my money’s worth by wearing them with everything!635666814161464761-screen-shot-2015-05-08-at-11-29-47-am